How familiar are you with sleepless nights? I sometimes feel like they’re inside me already, waiting perched with their talons hooked into my heart. The nighttime birds open their eyes when I make the realization I may not sleep, and I soon find myself staring at the walls with the eyes of owls.
It is two hours until midnight, which might not sound late to you. It is for me. One conscious Vital Change I’ve made for myself is setting early “curfews.” I am more active by dawn than dusk, and that in itself took me almost two decades to learn.
While encouraging myself to sleep would be wiser, I will introduce myself instead. I go by “V” out of ease. I am an INFJ. I love to read and find books to be great messengers of important perspectives. I love artistic expression, and I constantly break down with and fear the human experience. But it is something I try to cherish every day. The most important thing about me at this time in my life is that I am currently crippled by two mental illnesses: Schizoaffective Disorder (depressive type) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and one physical illness: fibromyalgia. I have been chronically suicidal for most of my life, which meant for me that every day was “my” day to die. Suicidal urges and suicidal thinking destroyed what little left I had of a childhood and adolescence. It was an obsession that took my life before I had the chance to. I’ve got quite an inpatient rapport and a lot of scars. But there are times now in which I feel hopeful and even excited for the future. Those times increase in duration and power all the time, and I am learning how to live my life.
I believe we create our own purposes. They don’t, in a big sense, “call” to us. We are drawn to them, but I strongly believe we have to act on them before we can establish them. I am a strong believer in experiences and development. There are always circumstances outside of us, but we control our own selves, and I believe that counts for more than people believe.
I have been in therapy for thirteen years now, in and out of hospitals and partial-hospitalization programs. It wasn’t until April of this year that I realized what I want to do. I realized at that point that what I want to do with my life is what I want my life’s work to be: Making the world a better place for others and myself.
This blog will be a testament to that endeavor.
As I said, for thirteen years now (almost fourteen), I have been in/out of therapists’ offices, inpatient bedrooms, and partial classrooms. Very little worked for me. As a teen, I was angry and stubborn and the suicidality was too severe for me to imagine myself growing to adulthood. However, that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of the worksheets and quotes and recycled ideas that were given to me would’ve not been of much use otherwise anyway. I’m picky and heavily a seeker of knowledge; both a student and leader. The field of psychology is terribly generalized, and people have to remember that every diagnosis belongs to a human being and not vice versa. But the mental healthcare field is so crowded with demand and gives too little in supply and it’s already complex enough that tailored therapies are not possible. So instead, you have CBT, DBT, etc. I find that for me, blends of everything are best, and I’ve also found that the worksheets I design on my own are usually my best tools. So I want to share.
Everyone is different. Everyone experiences pain differently. So add this website as another resource, another safe place, if it helps, which it may not. (But try it!)
I am not a licensed therapist or psychiatrist. I’m the “coucher” in this situation who has lived lifetimes of madness. Proceed at your own pace and at your own risk. I will mark intense triggers if they come up and of course everyone has a different idea of “intense.” So please be aware of this.
I hope your day is enriching and positive. Sending love out to all, and may we share this incredible journey forward.