Embrace today and remember that life and death, in all ways, are commanded by process, and it is up to the individual to align that process towards progress.
I’ll be perfectly candid with you: I went back to the hospital on the second of October after another overdose. I stayed in the medical hospital for two nights and three days, sleeping most of the time as my mid-30s heart rate tried to recover itself. It did, although I’m still having residual effects.
After those three days, I was put back in the psychiatric ward. Wards honestly have become “homes” away from Home at this point–a sad realization but a realization nonetheless. I got along [mostly] fine. I cried a lot. I spoke a lot, read a lot, spent a lot of time with a lot of people. I let myself be discharged too early–too early as this depressive episode has drained blood out of me–and discharged as I was having difficulties with another patient.
I recently left. Just Friday, so ten days of groups and socializing and routine. When I come back, there’s always more of an adjustment period than I have going there. The “real” world is so hard; so harsh. Everything is too much: too loud, too potent, too bright, you name it. It’s “too” everything. It has great beauty in it–great, profound beauty–but it’s very stressful and overwhelming for me.
I am trying to get back into a good-enough-for-right-now place, but it’s difficult. So bear with me as my entries may be a little more dispersed than usual. I appreciate the patience.
Sending love always always always,